Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
