I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
