Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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