If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
