If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
