new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
