Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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