I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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