someone get that fucking seahorse.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
