How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
