Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
