Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
