I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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