Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
