I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My ass is underappreciated
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
