tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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