I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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