The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
