I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
