weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
