small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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