my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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