My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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