I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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