i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
