Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
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