Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
