Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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