I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
