Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
