theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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