just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
