i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
