Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
