tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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