Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
