You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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