We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
