Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
