a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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