I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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