felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
