I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It's official drugs can't kill me
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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