i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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