dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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