It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
