I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize