Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
