Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This is classic penis vs brain.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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