i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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