Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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