pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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