I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
