Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
