i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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