i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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