her vagine was all disorganized.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
