thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
