Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
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