There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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