I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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