Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
