eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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